Sex In Human Loving!

Sexual Problems For Women & Men

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Orgasmic Difficulty

Some women have never had an orgasm, while others used to be orgasmic but no longer are or are so very rarely. Reliable figures are lacking, but it is estimated that about ten percent of adult women have never had an orgasm and about 20 percent have orgasm infrequently. Shere Hite reported that only 30 percent of women achieve orgasm during intercourse without any additional stimulation. We believe the figure is much lower - around 15 percent.

Failure to achieve orgasm is the most widespread female sexual difficulty.

Not only do women thereby lose out on part of the pleasure of sex, but many women experience failure to come as a threat to their self-esteem. They wonder what is "wrong" with them and tense up during intercourse, wondering "Will it happen now?" or "Am I going to come this time?"

This tension further inhibits the natural orgasmic release and adds to the problem. There are numerous possible causes of orgasmic difficulty. Though rare, a physical problem - a neurological, gynecological or hormonal disorder - may be responsible, but the cause is much more likely to be one (or more than one, in combination) of these common psychological factors:

It was not until Masters and Johnson's research results were published that comprehensively designed treatment programs were set up. Until the 1970s, women with orgasmic difficulties frequently sought treatment from psychoanalysts. The treatment of orgasmic problems in women varies from therapist to therapist and from clinic to clinic.

In general the approaches have been psychotherapy (frequently psychoanalytically oriented); couple therapy (with a sex therapy team or individual therapist); behavior therapy and various types of masturbation and desensitization exercises; and, more recently, group therapy.

More than one of these approaches may be used simultaneously according to the requirements of the case.

Women who have never had an orgasm may receive treatment that is quite different from that undertaken with women who would like to have orgasm during intercourse more frequently but are able to have orgasm during other acts.

Helen Kaplan and her associates have developed a very sensible and successful treatment program for women who do not reach orgasm during intercourse but do so at other times.

Throughout, the therapist and couple work on any individual, emotional or relational problems that may exist. At the same time the therapist directs the couple in techniques that are designed to increase general sexual arousal in a non-demanding way.

Q: I read about women becoming orgasmic through masturbation exercises. Is that accurate?

A: Yes. Women can start under guidance to achieve orgasm by masturbation (using a vibrator if required), move on to having their partners masturbate them, and then on to intercourse with additional clitoral stimulation.

A program of this kind set up by LoPiccolo and Lobitz proved quite successful with a small group of women. By the end of the program the majority were regularly, though not invariably, having orgasm through intercourse.

Q: I read about women becoming orgasmic during pregnancy. Can this be true?

A: Yes, it is true. Some women become more sexual during pregnancy, and some experience orgasms for the first time. Those who were already orgasmic may find that they experience multiple orgasms for the first time when they are pregnant.

Q: What is the story behind these groups where women practice masturbating?

A: You are probably referring to a new group treatment program started by Lonnie Barbach and Nancy Carlsen in 1972, which has had very high success rates with thousands of women. In this program, the women do not masturbate in each other's presence - this is done in private by the women alone or with their partners.

The highlights are as follows: the therapist sees each woman individually and helps design an individual program of goals; sessions are held once a week for ten or 12 weeks with six to eight participants and one therapist; women discuss their values and experiences together sharing, gaining and giving support.

Women learn about their bodies, learn to accept themselves and learn to accept sexual pleasure as a proper expectation; myths and misinformation are clarified and cultural beliefs explored; the LoPiccolo-Lobitz masturbation program is assigned to each woman. Women Discover Orgasm by Lonnie Barbach describes the theory and practice of this important program.

Q: I heard that Kegel exercises can help a woman have an orgasm. Is that true?

A: Yes. Kegel exercises help keep the vagina in tone, which in turn improves sensation and can lead to improved orgasmic response.

Sexual Desire, Lack of Orgasm, Vaginismus

Q: I have a terrific relationship with my husband and we enjoy sex. I have orgasm sometimes but I just can't seem to have one during intercourse. I've gone to therapists, read everything and tried everything but nothing seems to work. Sometimes I feel like such a failure.

A: A number of women are unable to have an orgasm during intercourse but can have them at other times with other sorts of stimulation. From your comments about your relationship and your enjoyment of sex, I'd say you are not a failure and you need not be uptight.

Your response pattern does not produce orgasm during intercourse, but this is a normal variation in response and should not be devalued.

An obsessive concern about orgasm during intercourse is unhelpful to your emotional health and could interfere with what you describe as a terrific relationship.

Lack of orgasm and ejaculation is also a problem for men - in the form of retarded ejaculation - which is a condition that can lower both partner's sexual self-esteem.

Painful Intercourse

Painful intercourse, for which the technical name is "dyspareunia," is a problem that does not affect a great number of women. The reasons for it can be either physical or psychological.

Physical causes can be such things as: irritations and infections of the vagina, drying of the vaginal tissue, growths in the vagina, structural problems in the pelvic area, and bladder disease.

Psychological causes can be equally various: if a woman has been brought up to believe that sex is wrong and will. cause pain, she. may feel it; painful previous sexual experiences can induce an expectation of pain subsequently; and hidden relationship problems can emerge as pain during intercourse.

Any psychological conflict may inhibit or reduce vaginal lubrication, which can result in painful intercourse.

Painful intercourse can usually be treated successfully once the cause has been identified. Organic diseases can usually be dealt with after a thorough gynecological examination, and psychotherapy and counseling can usually take care of psychological causes.


Vaginismus is an involuntary spasm of the muscles surrounding the vaginal opening, closing the entrance to the vagina and making intercourse impossible. It is not a very common problem, but it is humiliating and frustrating for women; their partners frequently feel rejected and inadequate.

Vaginismus can be caused by a variety of factors, including strong religious beliefs about sex being sinful, prior physical or emotional trauma related to intercourse, and physical pain during intercourse which produces vaginismus as a secondary response.

Some women who suffer from vaginismus are able to enjoy other sexual activities and have orgasm, but become phobic in response to suggestions of intercourse.

The treatment of vaginismus is reported to be highly successful. The treatment approach is to deal with the emotional factors that are producing the spasm unless there is an organic disorder to which vaginismus is a secondary response. Time is spent demonstrating that the spasm is involuntary and real, but that it is not the partner's fault.

More On Premature Ejaculation

A huge number in men, all around the world, ejaculate too quickly: in two minutes or less of going into his partner's vagina - not gratifying his lover, and possibly experiencing a feeling of failure.

Why? Because nearly all women in bed with a man who ejaculates too soon are sexually disappointed.

They want the intimacy of making love to their partner for much more than two minutes! The average duration of intercourse - as we now know form research - is only three minutes, which will not please the majority of females.

So although it can be really challenging to control your tendency to ejaculate quickly almost all men discover they are able to become longer lasting lovers pretty easily.

Having said that, you need to be 100% committed to lasting longer during sex. Expressing a desire to control premature ejaculation but failing to do so is a lose-lose situation, which will piss off your partner and make you feel worse.

So say you are definitely going to get to grips with your rapid ejaculation, and mean it! Your whole relationship will improve if you do - an orgasmic woman is a happy woman, who tends to be much more relaxed all round.

Begin by learning to relax in sexual intercourse, As muscles of the body tighten up, and you develop shallow breathing,  keep your body relaxed and slow down your breathing even during the pleasure of sexual intercourse.

Focus on the level of muscular tension and your breathing, then, each time you feel you're becoming tense, relax your muscles and intentionally slow your breathing. These two tactics will help you to delay ejaculation - see for more on this.

The majority of men have no idea how aroused they are and their ejaculation comes very quickly, sometimes even surprising them.

But only when you actually know how near to the point of ejaculation you are, can you stop moving, remaining motionless within your partner, in time to delay ejaculation. Practice during masturbation.

Extend your self pleasuring sessions for as long as you can without ejaculating, then stop masturbating while you allow your arousal to drop.

This builds awareness of how near you are to the point of ejaculation.

When you begin, you may find that you tend to reach the point of ejaculation quite quickly; only by withstanding the urge to ejaculate, and then repeating the experience several more times, will you find that your ability to gauge how sexually aroused you are, and you become more adept at delaying ejaculation.

The aim is to learn how to stimulate yourself for up to half an hour without ejaculating. Bring yourself to the point where you feel you may ejaculate and then stop several times.

When you're satisfied with your level of ejaculatory control you can actually come. Both simple and powerful, doing this will enable you to make love for much longer before you shoot your load. Furthermore, practice during sex with your partner, and you will soon last longer than you ever thought possible.