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Sex In Human Loving! Sexual Orientation
SEXUAL ORIENTATIONHomosexualityHomosexuality is the sexual orientation of some men and women who find their primary emotional and sexual fulfillment with people of the same sex. Homosexuality may or may not be a choice that people make, but is usually seen as a fundamental fact about their personalities. There are heterosexual people and homosexual people just as there are rich, poor, fat, thin, tall, short, black, white, brown and yellow people. The common element is that they are people; whatever secondary characteristics they may show are just that secondary. Identifying people who are homosexual (among other things) by their choice of sex partners reduces the complex dimensions of their humanity to an interest in sex alone. The term "homosexuality" came into use toward the end of the last century. It appears to derive from the Greek homo, meaning "same" or the Latin homo, meaning "man," plus "sexuality." Although "homosexual" is now widely used to describe both men and women, there is of course the alternative word "lesbian" for women. This derives from the Greek island of Lesbos, where the seventh-century B.C. poetess Sappho lived and wrote a out her passionate love for women. What does the word 'gay' really mean?It probably started as a kind of code word used by homosexual men and women to communicate safely to each other about their sexual orientation. Secrecy was necessary since society had made it so difficult to be honest about an uncommon sexual orientation. 'Gay' means many things to homosexual men and women. It means pride in themselves, it means acceptance of who they are and it conveys the attitude that homosexuality is good and right. The word 'gay' is a turn-off to some people ( including some homosexual people) as they think it is flaunting a sexual orientation that most people in society have difficulty understanding and accepting. However, the need to develop a gay identity and not to hide and be ashamed is a situation brought about by a heterosexual society trying to get everyone to conform to one sexual orientation. It is understandable that people in a repressed minority may occasionally overstate their case when trying to establish their right to a full identity. For many people 'homosexual' and 'homosexuality' imply sexual acts. To describe whole people solely in terms of who they have sex with is prejudicial because it does not recognize their intrinsic personal qualities. Women and men with a homosexual orientation have an equal right to be described in nongenital terms. In our civilization, homosexuality has at most periods been condemned. Kinsey derived his figures from samples that were not representative of America's men and women, but the report certainly provided an important framework for discussion and further study. The following is a summary of some of the Kinsey team's findings:
The Kinsey data made quite obvious a fact that many people already knew: that men and women were not always and forever heterosexual, or always and forever homosexual. Also, the studies made it very clear that participating in homosexual acts did not mean a person was necessarily homosexual in orientation, and participating in heterosexual acts did not mean a person was necessarily heterosexual in orientation. In fact, it was shown that there are degrees of exclusivity in sexual orientation. Following Kinsey, further studies on homosexuality have indicated that many men and women do have homosexual experiences at times in their lives, but their major orientation remains heterosexual, while about four percent of men and two percent of women have an exclusive homosexual orientation. The studies by John Gagnon, William Simon and Morton Hunt in the U.S. and by Michael Schofield in England suggest that the proportion of people with an exclusive homosexual orientation, men and women, has remained around the same as Kinsey found. An important aspect of the data was the clear illustration of how many men and women had several sexual contacts in their lives that were contrary to their primary orientation but which did not alter it. In addition, the classifying system correctly suggested that a person's degree of homosexual orientation or heterosexual orientation can only be evaluated at any given time and will not necessarily remain the same forever. All Kinsey's work however did not begin to answer another question in the public mind. Why homosexuality? What makes people homosexual? People have theorized about the origins of homosexual orientations for centuries. They have rarely taken the trouble to theorize about what causes a heterosexual orientation, however, and until we can understand what causes a heterosexual orientation in the first place we are unlikely to understand what causes a homosexual one. Is it taught? Is it caught? Is it chosen? Is it inborn? These are the questions that numerous people have addressed with speculation and prejudice, and a few with patient, unbiased effort. No-one knows the answer for sure, but here are some of the more popular theories. The Genetic Theory One of the first serious scientific explanations of homosexuality was provided by Kallman in 1952. He claimed that a homosexual orientation was decreed by genes, and that people inherited their homosexuality. Other scientists found themselves unable to repeat his study, and since there is no other supporting evidence Kallman's theory has been discounted. The Hormone Theory A number of people have suggested that an imbalance of hormones in the developing fetus, or even the intrusion of inappropriate hormones, might be responsible for the development of homosexuality. The Psychoanalytic Theories There are a number of these. The problem with all of them is that they have never been tested or verified on the population at large, only on small groups of people in therapy. Freud believed that a homosexual tendency was a natural stage for people to pass through on their way to maturity. Maturity meant, among other things, a heterosexual orientation. A homosexual adult was therefore someone whose psychosexual development had been arrested. Freud's reasoning was that when boys discover that girls have no penises they believe they may lose their own penises if they have contact with women. They feel they will be castrated. Other men have penises, so there seems no danger of castration if contact is restricted to them. Homosexual orientations have also been attributed to distant, hostile relationships with parents. Boys seek out homosexual relationships to provide the male love they never experienced properly from their fathers. Women seek out other women to compensate for the lack of feminine love. Male homosexuality, some people argue, is attributable to overprotective mothers who will not release their sons into the competitive male world to fight on equal terms for women. All the theories about homosexuality and parental relationships seem to break down when tested. The same set of parent-parent and parent-child relationships can produce heterosexual and homosexual children, whether relationships are close or distant. The last of the really popular psychoanalytic theories is the narcissistic one. Developing children, it says, sometimes become so involved with their own rightness that they seek sex partners who resemble themselves. The Peer Influence Theory Some researchers have suggested that a homosexual orientation is formed by the pressure of a developing person's peers. Up to now it has proved quite impossible to classify young people and their activities with sufficient clarity and meaning to ascertain whether there is anything in this theory. Do young people who may have a homosexual orientation associate with each other because they already have the orientation? This theory, like the others, has got nowhere yet. So much for why; but something that bothers many heterosexual people is: What do homosexual people do when they are in bed? The first thing to be clear about is that there are no homosexual acts as such. People make love homosexually much as people make love heterosexually. The one act that is not available to either male or female homosexuals is of course penis-vagina intercourse. Otherwise, the differences are of emphasis only. Most people, whatever their orientation, include kissing, caressing, hugging in their sexual repertoire. A great many include masturbation and oral sex too. Gay women probably place more emphasis on body rubbing to orgasm than heterosexual couples, and gay men are more likely to practice anal intercourse than their straight counterparts, but neither of these practices is exclusive or obligatory. The idea of making love to another woman or to another man revolts many heterosexual people. Gay people sometimes say that it is strange at first - gay men are sometimes reluctant to kiss, for example. They go on, however, to argue that gay sex can be very rewarding precisely because the partner is of the same sex. No two women are exactly alike in their responses, but they are more alike than a man and a woman. Women have a head start in knowing how women like to be treated and men have an understanding of what appeals to other men that women can only acquire with experience. Just as a lot of heterosexual people are confused about what homosexual people do to each other, they are mistaken about how. An automatic assumption many people make is that in homosexual lovemaking there have to be roles, that one person has to be dominant ("the man") and thought themselves into a "feminine" role, which can include doing the dishes as well as being penetrated, rather than penetrating, in anal intercourse. But for the great majority of gay people, men and women, regular role-playing of this kind is completely irrelevant. Equality is the keynote, and taking turns the norm. Q: "Is it true that lesbians normally use dildoes?" A: "No. Some do, certainly, but by no means all. Lesbians reject the idea that the vagina has to be filled for a sexual act to be satisfying. Using a dildo - or, more commonly, fingers in the vagina - is an option, not a requirement." Q: "Do all homosexual men have anal intercourse?" A: "By no means, though it is very popular. Of the gay men responding in the Spada Report, 76 percent said they enjoyed it and 12 percent said they did not. Bell and Weinberg found that gay men ranked anal intercourse second to oral sex as the most favored sexual activity." Q. "Surely it's true that when men have
anal intercourse the one on the bottom is passive and feminine?" Q. "It seems that a lot of gays are into heavy leather and sadomasochism. Is that true?" A: "A number are, but it is very much a minority activity (remember that some heterosexual people are into S&M too). It seems that there are a lot of them because it gets talked about a lot, but probably the majority of gay men are not interested." Q: "Are lesbians into S&M too?" A: "Most lesbians vehemently reject
violence of any kind in sex. Indeed, they will often say that one of the
reasons they prefer having sex with other women is that women are gentler.
A: "That's hard to answer in a simple way. If his past and current sexual acts and emotional experiences have been focused mainly on the other sex, then he would have a heterosexual orientation. However, if that man's predominant feelings were about the same sex, while his sex acts were with a person of the other sex, he probably would be classified as homosexual. The point is that you have to consider the emotions as well as the acts to evaluate someone's sexual orientation. The acts can be one way, the emotions the other. It is only if both are regularly in line that you can say an individual is wholly heterosexual or wholly homosexual." Q: "How come some homosexuals get married, then years later break up with their families and come out of the closet?" A: "There may be a number of reasons, but two of them are particularly common and important. The first is that if they have been raised conventionally, there will be a lot of social pressure on them to date, marry and have children. They may recognize that they are going to have problems suppressing their true orientation, but they also recognize that they are going to have very real problems if they choose to opt out, come out and try to live in an abused, repressed minority. The second very important reason is to have children. Homosexual people are Just as likely to want a family life as anyone else, and many of them want it so much that they are prepared to pay the price of repressing their homosexuality. A third reason that some people advance is that a number of people who think they are probably gay feel that if they marry they will be 'cured' of their homosexuality and will succeed in conforming to the heterosexual pattern. It is of course tough on the remaining partner if one announces he or she is gay and is leaving the marriage. There are, however, numerous cases of two people, one of whom is gay, marrying, raising children, splitting, and then succeeding in establishing successful relationships with their grown children. Q: "Isn't it important for a child to live with the mother if the father turns out to be gay?" A: "No. There is no evidence that a parent's sexual orientation predicts what kind of a father or mother he or she will be. Gay men and gay women have already shown that their ability to be great parents is not related to their sexual orientation." Q: "What does 'latent homosexuality' mean?" A: "It means the unexpressed, conscious or unconscious desire to homosexuality in some people. 'Latent homosexuality' is an overworked term. For practical purposes it is not meaningful." Q "What does dressing in 'drag' mean?" A: "It means dressing in the clothing of the other sex, usually in a flamboyant way and usually to amuse. Male homosexuals who dress in drag are often known as 'drag queens.' Dressing in drag is not however limited to homosexuals. Nor does it necessarily indicate transsexualism - the conviction on the part of the person who is cross-dressing that he or she was meant to be a member of the other sex; nor does it necessarily indicate transvestism - the inability to achieve full psychosexual satisfaction without garments normally reserved for the other sex." Q: "I read that there are ways to change a homosexual to a heterosexual. What is that all about?" A: "Fortunately the organized medical and psychological efforts to change people's sexual orientations have diminished drastically. It is no longer widely believed by the medical profession that homosexual people must be redirected, albeit against their will, to the 'natural and healthy' orientation of 'everyone else.' Trying to change homosexual people into heterosexual people has almost always failed, but great efforts have been made to do so. In the past, doctors and mental health practitioners have tried some barbaric techniques to change the sexual orientation of gay men and women. Hormones, psychoanalysis and aversion therapy, including the use of electrical shocks, have all been tried and all have failed. Other types of behavior therapy like desensitization, sensitization and conditioning techniques have also come to nothing. These failures result from the simple fact that the overwhelming majority of gay men and women do not want to change their orientation. Most people with a homosexual orientation would never consider a change if they weren't made to feel guilty, inferior, sick and humiliated. Remember, changing a person's sexual orientation is not like changing their clothes or hairstyle. Sexual orientation is a bedrock element of a human being's personality and it changes with great difficulty." Q. "But what about all those effeminate men and tough-looking women who are gay. Don't they really want to be the other sex?" A: "No. The men and women you see acting that way on the whole do not want to be members of the other sex. They may appear different or strange to many people because they dress and act in a way that conflicts with our society's rules about permissible roles for men and women, but it does not indicate that they are unhappy with who they are." Q. "A friend of mine told me there was evidence that gay people come out as psychologically healthy as heterosexuals when tested. Is that so?" A: "There was an important study in 1957 by
Dr Evelyn Hooker in which she compared homosexual males with heterosexual
males in a series of psychological tests. None of these men was in therapy
and a group of independent psychologists rated the tests without knowing
who was homosexual and who was heterosexual. No differences were found
between the two groups, and there was no evidence of special emotional
problems among the gay men when their results were studied individually.
In 1967 another psychologist, Dr Mark Freedman, did a similar study
comparing lesbian and heterosexual women. There was no evidence that the
gay women had any more emotional problems; interestingly the gay women
scored higher on independence and self-acceptance measures. The results of
similar studies show that sexual orientation is not a predictor of
emotional disturbance." Q: "What does 'dyke' mean?" A: "It's an aggressive put-down used by both men and women to describe women who seem masculine to them in either behavior or appearance. Nasty refinements are: 'bull dyke,' 'diesel dyke' and 'bar dyke'. Q 'What does 'homophobia' mean?" A: "Homophobia is an unnatural fear of and revulsion toward homosexual people and homosexuality. Homophobia may take many forms: fear that associating with a homosexual will trigger a homosexual response in you is homophobic; fear that associating with homosexuals will imply you are homosexual too is homophobic; fear that associating with a homosexual indicates to them that you are interested in sex with them is homophobic; the belief that homosexuals cannot form lasting relationships and are only interested in random sex is homophobic; physical and emotional violence against homosexuals, and the refusal to give homosexuals jobs, housing and other social rights that all people are entitled to is also homophobic." Q. "Don't studies show that most homosexuals are promiscuous?" A: "No. Most studies show that some gay men have random sexual encounters in bars and baths and so on, but that minority cannot be made to represent the majority. We have less information on gay women, but from the studies that have been done it seems that the minority of gay women who seek random sex is smaller than the minority of gay men who do so. The evidence on both gay men and gay women is that at any one time the majority are in or seeking settled relationships. In all fairness, it must be pointed out that the current social system in America and in Europe does not encourage open, committed relationships between gay people. The alienation, prejudice and humiliation so many gay people experience encourages them to have clandestine relationships which, because they have to be hidden, are often transient too. A similar thing applies to heterosexuals in settled relationships who want to play on the side - they usually have to keep it quick and quiet." The struggle that gay people have had and continue to have with their feelings about themselves doesn't derive from their "condition." It derives the majority view in our society that says gays are inferior, lacking in some way, and therefore deserve neither rights nor respect. When as a society we accept that people are not to be put down for any healthy aspect of any aspect of personality, the negative feelings of gay people will dissipate into thin air." Q. "Don't parents of a gay person feel terrible when they learn about their son or daughter?" A: "Yes. Most parents do feel guilt and anger when they learn that their child is homosexual. Many parents blame themselves for what they consider to be a terrible condition and they will immediately try to get their child to change to heterosexuality by 'talking some sense into them,' or getting them to go to a doctor. Fortunately, many parents are learning that they are not to blame (as there is nothing wrong) and that their son or daughter is the same person as ever with the same capacity to have loving relationships and to lead a happy, productive life. Q. "I'm gay and sometimes I really hate myself. What should I do?" A: "Some gay people hate themselves and feel guilty because they have been taught that the things their sexual orientation leads them to do are wrong and unnatural. Given the stigma and discrimination gay people live with, it is understandable that these feelings should develop, and that the mix of these feelings can easily lead to a painful daily existence, interfering with the spontaneity and joy that can be a proper part of living. The many gay men and gay women who have overcome self-hate and guilt have done so by a variety of methods. Being with other gay people, sharing problems and learning from them is one. Accepting yourself for who you are and growing with that identity can be achieved with help from a qualified and sensitive counselor or therapist. A lot of gay people work through it themselves until after maybe years of personal struggle and self-examination they achieve self-acceptance, feel worthy as people and feel capable of giving love and being loved." RELATIONSHIPSGay relationships are complicated and simple, enduring and short, happy and troubled, as varied, indeed, as heterosexual relationships. But there are some problems specific to gay relationships. When a relationship cannot be legally recognized or sanctioned, when much of society may see it as a threat and when it may have to be conducted with some measure of secrecy, it is bound to suffer some special stress. All relationships go through stressful periods, but if stress is built into the relationship already it is going to be harder for the two people concerned to work through the bad times. One can only pay tribute to the growing numbers of gay people who have developed and sustained stable relationships with members of their own sex despite the hostile social climate. A real difference between homosexual and heterosexual relationships is that there is no clear precedent for who does what. Even though a great many heterosexual couples have rejected traditional roles, they are still there to fall back on. If the relationship is between two men or two women, who does what has to be decided by discussion and negotiation. In marriages, money earned tends to be pooled - that is the traditional arrangement. But does it apply when both people are pursuing independent careers, as in most gay relationships? Some arrangement has to be arrived at, which will require negotiation. A traditional heterosexual view of
homosexual relationships is that they always show a dominant figure and a
submissive one, rather after the stereotype (not the reality) of
heterosexual marriage. Certainly there are gay relationships in which this
is so, but they are becoming fewer as more gay people accept themselves as
full people. Some gay women and men argue against traditional
relationships and the idea of sexual fidelity. They believe that their
personal freedom will be limited if they subscribe by imitation to a
cultural system that has oppressed them for centuries. This does not mean
that they do not experience and enjoy loving, enduring relationships, but
that they reject traditional, dependent relationship patterns.
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